My eating disorder used to make me value being underweight more than anything else in the world.

I was sacrificing my career, my education, my relationships and my health in order to be as small as I could possibly be, only to end up more unhappy than ever. Early on in recovery, I was convinced that it was actually making me more miserable, and that I was happier when I was thin. As time went on, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and realised there were lots of things in my life that were actually more important than weighing as little as I could.

Travelling:
I love love love travelling, either alone, with my boyfriend or with my friends. Anorexia sucked all the joy out of it because I was constantly worried about what and when I would be eating, how little control I had over it and how it might affect my weight. Being more well and getting to experience every part of a new country, including the food, is something I won’t ever take for granted.

Working:
Being a nurse, and then also a therapist, is a really significant part of my identity. I worked very, very hard for my career and I love being able to help people on their recovery journeys from various mental health problems. Not being able to work when I was in day patient was really difficult and losing that part of my identity probably embedded the eating disorder even more, because it left room for it to take over. When my job moved from full time recovery gradually back into work again, it really helped me to fight anorexia even more, because I remembered why my job was so important to me.

Festivals:
Similarly, as much as I love festivals they have always been a source of anxiety. Not only do all the same worries apply around not being able to necessarily control what food I had access to and when, there are also no mirrors, so it was impossible to see my body and check if it was okay to me or not. They’re also really full on, and I’d often be completely exhausted through not fuelling myself properly.

Celebrations:
For a long time, I’ve struggled to do things like eat cake on mine or other people’s birthdays, or go our for celebratory meals. I couldn’t join in with Christmas dinners. It was really hard knowing that not only was I missing out, but I was also impacting on other people’s ability to enjoy these milestones. 2023 was the first time I had a proper birthday cake in years, and it was really nice to see other people get to see me enjoying it. Similarly, I’ve been able to have family meals and go out to celebrate new jobs and engagements and all the other lovely things in life that we get to share in with each other. I’m not sitting on the side lines anymore.

Horse riding:
While I did still ride sporadically when unwell, it was really difficult. I was always exhausted, and horse riding requires a lot of strength and stamina, which I just didn’t have. I was finding it difficult to get up and down the stairs, let alone stay upright on a cantering horse. Although I’ve reduced how often I ride now for various reasons, knowing I can has been a significant part of my healing, because it’s something I always look forward to and get a sense of freedom from.

Studying:
I have a love/hate relationship with studying, because I put myself under enormous amounts of pressure to be getting top marks all the time, which isn’t realistic. This can make the process quite stressful. That said, I love learning and developing new knowledge and skills, and I’m really grateful to have had the brain capacity to have been to university three times.

Walking for leisure:
This one actually took a really long time for me. Compulsive and excessive walking was a big part of my illness, and I had to stop walking entirely for a number of months before I could start slowly reintroducing it, and I did have to also do this a number of times. When I used to go for long walks the only purpose was weight loss and getting as many steps in as possible. They were often tedious and boring and I gained no enjoyment from them at all. Now I don’t walk often, but when I do I make a point of going somewhere pretty, not tracking my steps or distance, and taking in my surroundings. It’s a very peaceful thing to do.

Spontaneous lunches:
The idea of any spontaneous eating was impossible at one point, but especially meals. Recently though, I’ve really enjoyed being out and just popping somewhere for lunch. I also now can be the one suggesting it which previously I’ve really struggled with – I always felt like being the one asking made me greedy. Now if I fancy something while I’m out I’ll happily ask, and usually other people are happy with the option.

Writing:
My brain was pretty much mush at one point when it was starved of energy and completely fixated on food and my weight. I couldn’t watch a film, read a book, write more than a couple of paragraphs or really do anything that required any mental effort. I’ve now written four books (with more on the horizon potentially), had essays and academic writing published and kept a successful blog going for a long time now. None of that would have been possible without recovery and nourishing my body and brain properly, and writing is both cathartic for me and gives me a sense of achievement.

Resting:
I really, really love, being able to come home from a day of work and resting for the evening. I love having a long bath then coming downstairs and watching a series under a blanket, before falling asleep curled up on the sofa. I enjoy lazy Sundays playing Sims and watching Taskmaster repeats, and laying in until 11am because sometimes it’s nice to have a slow start to the day. I used to find it so difficult to rest, not only because I was very active with lots of walking and micro-movements, but also because even when physically sat down, my life wasn’t restful. Whether my body was stopped or not, my brain was running at 100 miles an hour trying to do all the maths of what I’d eaten and burned over the day, and even when I did allow myself to sit, I was overwhelmed by guilt. Rest was one of the last hurdles I needed to overcome, and once I’d done it my life got so much more peaceful.

What reasons would you add?