The last few months have been by far the biggest test of my recovery from anorexia, and I imagine that there is more to come.

I spent most of my late twenties and early thirties with no interest in parenting at all. In fact, it used to frustrate me no end in treatment when the risks to my fertility were raised, when that wasn’t a priority for me at all. However, when I gradually changed my stance, I did start to have concerns that my chances of motherhood had been jeopardised by my lengthy battle with food and my body. 

Fortunately, and much to my surprise, I had no issues falling pregnant at all. I was cautiously optimistic, knowing that many pregnancies don’t progress for various reasons and with an awareness than I have never treated my body with much kindness. But at every scan and appointment I was assured that I was growing a healthy and happy baby.

One of the factors in steering away from pregnancy in the past was the idea that my body would change drastically, and potentially permanently, in ways I could not control. However, I had been stable in recovery for a long time by the time we decided to have a baby, and I felt robust in my recovery journey.

However, despite knowing it might be hard, I don’t think I was realistic about the distress my pregnant body could cause me.

Being pregnant is weird. You know how when you have an eating disorder, it feels like everyone is paying attention to your body? Well, being pregnant is exactly like that feeling, except it’s true. Even before you look visibly pregnant, the comments start rolling in from people who know. Mentions of your weight or shape changing and your stomach growing start coming in thick and fast. People will touch you without asking, even though they never would have before you were growing a baby. You become public property and it’s an experience unlike any other I’ve had. You’re also expected to tolerate it all with a smile because pregnancy is supposed to be something you feel endlessly grateful for at all times.

Eating disorder aside, I’ve experienced brutal perinatal depression since pretty much the day my test was positive. I’ve cried more days than I’ve not for the past 8 months, and I’ve been riddled with anxiety ranging from worries I’ll die in childbirth to fears the I’ll actually hate being a parent and won’t be able to do anything about it. I’ve spent days on end in bed in the dark feeling like I’ll never be happy again, and then being crushed by the guilt that this is supposed to be a happy time and I’m ruining it. 

I feel like for the majority of this pregnancy I have coped reasonably well with my body changing. I knew it would happen and I knew I’d gain weight past a point I ever have before. But the reality of that fact has been harder than I thought it might be in the abstract. From fairly early on, I found it easier to just generally not really look at myself. The problem with avoidance however, is that you can’t do it forever, so by the time I started paying more attention to my body again the whiplash I got was unbearable. I don’t recognise myself at all. I feel like I felt back in those early days of weight restoration, like I am an alien in someone else’s body. My clothes feel physically painful when they rub against my skin and I don’t want to turn my camera on in meetings or leave the house or see anybody. My fear that I will remain the size I am now once the baby is born is suffocating and sometimes I feel so panicked by the space I am taking up that I can’t breathe. I find that I can’t navigate the world as I usually would at the size and shape I am now, and I’m constantly reminded of the fact I am continuing to expand by bumping into things and not being able to fit in spaces I could only mere weeks ago.

I have read so many stories from women who struggled with their eating who just become at peace and in awe of their bodies in pregnancy. It’s healing and wholesome. I always hoped that would be me too. But it just isn’t. I have found this whole experience incredibly painful and the work I have put in to being able to tolerate my body in various different states was not sufficient to get me comfortably through this stage of my life. I know pregnancy is temporary and it’s nearly over. But what then? What about when I can no longer justify the changes in my body by feeding and growing a baby? What about when my body is just mine again, and I have to face up to those changes maybe being there forever?

I am extremely frightened of so many things that will inevitably arise over the coming months: giving birth, my mental health post birth, looking after a baby, letting other people touch my baby, my husband going back to work…it’s a long list. I really wish one of the things on that list wasn’t that I won’t lose my baby weight or that I’ll never fit in my old clothes again. I have the best support network around me. I am so lucky. My husband, my friends, my CPN, my midwife. They are all looking out for me and I’m so grateful for that. But this is still one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Whilst I feel upset with my body right now based on how it looks, I am able to feel some gratitude towards it. I didn’t have regular periods until I was in my thirties after years of restricted eating. I’ve now grown a healthy, almost full-term baby. Me of 5 years ago would never have thought that was a possibility at all. 

I have been hesitant to share in too much depth how I have experienced the last few months, and I have been told that I’m being ‘too negative’. However, even in sharing snippets I’ve had so many women tell me how grateful they are for talking honestly about this journey and not trying to pretend that this has been easy. Pregnancy is extremely hard (even if you consider yourself to have had an ‘easy’ one you’re still a warrior!), but when you have poor mental health it can be really hard to see the wood through the trees.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me such lovely messages the last few months. My social battery is low and responding to them all has not been possible but I am endlessly grateful for the cheerleading. 

Baby will not make an appearance on social media, but I’m excited to be able to share his arrival with you all and move on to the next stage of this journey.