My eating disorder has taken many things from me, there’s no doubt about that.

But I’ve also learnt lessons along the way that have shaped me into the person I am today – these are some of the things that I have learnt.

Being thin won’t make me happy
I’ve never been more unhappy than at my lowest weights, no matter what anorexia tells me. I truly absolutely hated myself with a ferocity that has never been matched in times where I have been more well. It is true that for a lot of us the initial rush at seeing a lower number feels great, but it is gone as quickly as it appears, because it’s still never good enough.

People don’t like me more when I’m thinner
I’m less fun to be around, I’m exhausted, I can’t join in with activities. I am definitely not more likeable. I am very lucky that I have a great support network who didn’t leave me when I got sick again, but I was surprised in the wake of recovery to hear how I’d behaved and acted towards others. I wasn’t a nicer person to be around and I really dislike that about what anorexia turns me into.

I can’t be thin without sacrificing other areas of my life
Its impossible to maintain anorexia without sacrificing my social life, my job, my health. I’ve tried it too many times now. It just doesn’t work. I learnt a lot in therapy about my values and discovered, in that time, that as long as I hold anorexia as a value, I will never be able to live a life aligned with the others. It was a steep learning curve and one I come back to often.

It’s never ‘just once’
No matter how many times I say I’m doing a behaviour just once, it never is. I can’t give in to any compensatory behaviour or cut out any foods. If you give an eating disorder an inch it will take a mile, so the best way to recover in a way that will last is to not give in to it at all, as hard at that is.

There is no ‘good enough’
I will never reach a point where anorexia is satisfied – the goalposts never stop moving. Setting myself a small goal will only give way to bigger and bigger ones. This is something I know deep down from many years of being sick, but I have only admitted it to myself in this most recent attempt at recovery. I always told myself I could stop whenever I wanted, it was just that I didn’t want to. That’s not true and I can acknowledge that now.

I can do hard things
I so often thought every battle I was faced with was impossible, but none of them were. Every single challenge I rose to, and I know that I can continue doing so. I have never been so distressed as the early stages of recovery and they felt so much worse to me than anorexia did, but pushing through that stage meant I live a life now that I never imagined I would.

Lots of people care about me
I had so many people rally behind me when I was sick – it helped me to recognise that people want the best for me. When you have so much distain for yourself, knowing that people love you and are rooting for you can really keep you going. I’m so grateful to them.

What has your eating disorder taught you?