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Bipolar Disorder
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A year out of day patient vs pre starting day patient.

I know your eating disorder is telling you things would be better if you were thinner. Maybe people will like you more, value you, respect you. Maybe they’ll think you’re disciplined and clever and in control. Maybe they’ll even be jealous.

I completed my challenge of the week yesterday.

I’ll be honest, I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m trying so so hard to accept my body as it is and I thought my weight was stabilising but it’s started to increase a little again and it’s bringing back all those really intense fears that I’m going to keep gaining weight and it’s never going to stop, and I’m way past the point I usually relapse at now.

Forgot to share this one last week but this was my weekly challenge from my jar!

I went out for lunch with my friends yesterday which means every day for the last two weekends I’ve eaten out at least once. Never in my life did I think I’d be able to say that. Even when I’ve been more ‘well’, eating out was a huge ordeal, involving copious amounts of planning and compensation, followed by so much guilt and anxiety it never felt like it was worth it.

I say this to myself a lot, and it’s something that helps keep me on the right track. Anorexia has sucked so many years of my life up and I feel like the time I’ve lost being able to say yes to things and immerse myself in experiences and do things for fun not for punishment is now time I’ll never get back. And I can’t bear the thought of wasting any more.

Today started off absolutely rubbish and my stupid brain automatically went “well let’s just not eat then”. I didn’t listen to it - I actually went out for a lovely lunch with my mum, but at what point is that going to stop being it’s default every time something bad happens? Ugh.

I passed my first therapy video! I have never been so convinced in all my life that I’d failed something, and waiting for those results felt like the longest 5 weeks ever. I also got a really good mark on the accompanying essay so I’m pretty happy. Officially 50% of the way to being a therapist now! My mid point review went really well too and my patients seem to be progressing, so overall I definitely don’t feel as completely clueless and lost as I did at the beginning - I honestly thought I’d never get the hang of it.

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