I’ve started another mini series about what it’s like to spend a day living with different mental health problems.
This post is written by Cordelia who also has her own blog. She is talking about emotionally unstable personality disorder, also known as borderline personality disorder. Check out the other posts in this series too about mania, anorexia, orthorexia, obsessive compulsive disorder and depression.
I don’t normally do this, but I’m putting a content warning on these posts. They might be difficult to read for people who are experiencing or are in recovery from any of the topics I’ll be discussing. However, it’s very important to me that the raw, painful truth of mental illness is exposed. There are many, many examples of mental illness being glamourised in the media, but that’s not the reality we live with day to day. I’m hoping it wont be, but some of the content might be triggering.
First things first (I’m the realest): my name is Cordelia Moor, and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don’t really know what that is, check out Mind’s pretty comprehensive overview here. Secondly: I was diagnosed a couple years back now, but I’ve been living with it for much longer. Today’s guest post is a little insight into just one day in my life living with BPD, and the thoughts that go with it.
This content might be triggering, and it might be hard to read, but I love that these sort of posts really allow you to get into the mind of someone living with these conditions, and hopefully begin to understand the people around you a little more. This is especially important to me because BPD and personality disorders in general can be so misunderstood.
Morning. It’s morning. I made it through another day. How am I feeling? I don’t know. It’s too early for feelings. Check social media: what are people saying? Have people replied to any messages I sent the previous evening? If they haven’t, did I say something bad or too much?
What did I even say? Why are people still talking to me? Why do people still like me I’m so annoying. Put the phone down. Time to get ready for work. I can’t get out of bed. Limbs are too heavy. Body is too empty. If I get up now I can do full skincare and makeup. …. Too late for a full routine. Micellar water, acid tone, moisturiser, eyeliner, mascara, lip. There. I don’t look like someone who is falling apart. I almost look like I have my life together. Just… don’t look behind the eyes. Right. Work. Time to leave the house. Have I got everything? Keys. Right. … I don’t remember the journey to work. How did I even get here? Am I even real? Probably not.
Just a simulation. A dream. Check my phone. No one has replied. Do they all hate me?
Probably. I wouldn’t blame them. Too much too much too much. Check Monzo. God I spent so much money last week. What did I spend it on? Stuff I don’t need! I literally hate myself. Can I make it to the end of the month? I think so, if I spend less on lunch. No more shopping. If you don’t go shopping you can’t make impulse purchases. I do need to top up my first aid supplies.
Don’t tweet about that. Don’t do it. People will think you’re attention seeking, and then they will stop talking to you. You don’t want them to stop talking to you. People at work are so irritating. Social media again. Still no replies. Don’t message them. Don’t you bloody do it. Stop being too much. Be smaller. Smaller. Smaller. Crack a joke. Keep smiling. Money. If you go out to lunch don’t spend too much. Stop thinking about money. Stop thinking about those messages. They’re not going to abandon you. But what if they do? What if they think I’m annoying? Do I have enough money to go to the show tonight? You shouldn’t go anyway. That’s too much. Stop being too much. Do I have supplies at home? Yes. If they don’t reply you can do it. That’s good punishment for being annoying. I hate me. Who even am I? God knows. Time to job search. What skills do I have? None. What jobs can I do? None of them! Or those… maybe those. Are those me? I don’t know. Stop searching, no one will hire you anyway. Money. Need more money. Need to stop spending so much money. But spending fills this emptiness. Stop it.
Too much. Stop airing your breakdown on Instastories and Twitter, no-one cares. People will leave if you overshare. Don’t go to the show tonight. They’ll think it’s weird. I am weird. Too weird. Too much. Too empty. How many pills…what if I just – jumped? It would be so easy – stop it. Nearly home time. Nearly finished another day. Think of what’s waiting at home for you. Release. If I leave then I can go into town and pop into Boots. No. Money – think of the money. You don’t need anything. Not food, not skincare, not anything. Just go straight home.
Get on the bus. No-one is looking at you. No-one knows what you’re thinking. No-one knows your secret. Just get through this journey. It’s waiting for you at home. Don’t check Instagram. It’ll make you feel – you’ve done it. Don’t check your DMs. Don’t message them. Don’t scare them away. Stop it. Stop it. Just get home. Home, where sweet release/punishment is. That’s it. You deserve this. Make sure it’s easy to hide. No one can find out. Clean up, and into bed. Lie there for hours, think about all the ways you could stop this. It would be so easy. But life is so good! Friends and food and shows and friends and London. Would you want to lose all this?
Yes. Maybe. No. I don’t know. Empty and sad and happy all at the same time. How can one person feel all this and not explode? I might explode. Maybe I’ll be the first person to explode. Just wrap that blanket around you. Phone on airplane mode. Leave social media alone. This day is nearly over. They all hate you. Who even are you?
The purpose of this series is to be real and honest, and I hope I’ve achieved that. I want people to understand that mental illness is real and that battling with your own mind every day is all consuming and frightening. If you have struggled with any of the issues mentioned above, you can find some great resources here.
Thank you so much Cordelia.
Do you have your own story to tell about a day in your life living with a mental health problem? If you’d like to contribute to this series and write your own post, I’d love to hear from you. You can get in touch with me here.