This has been a hard couple of weeks.
I don’t like to not be good at things. I am naturally a perfectionist and a high achiever and I find it really hard to tolerate not doing well at something.
One thing I have become very good at is managing my mental illness. I can talk about it passionately but from a distance. I can go about my life living with it as a diagnosis, but sometimes only remembering it exists when I take my medication at night. I have a full time job which at times is stressful and busy, and have been able to easily brush it off at the end of the day and use the same coping mechanisms ‘normal’ people do. I maintain a healthy and stable relationship. I am close with my friends and see them as often as possible.
I was good at recovery.
Recently I relapsed – I’ve written about that here. I didn’t see it coming until it happened – but I did at least notice when it had happened. It was too late to do anything about it alone – I couldn’t bring myself back. But I knew I needed to be brought back.
I did everything right. I took sick leave from work. I went to my GP. I took antipsychotics again even though I hate them. I engaged with the crisis team and saw a psychiatrist. I wrote a thorough crisis plan and let others be a part of it, something I’ve historically shied away from. Everyone has consistently told me how well I have done.
So why do I still feel shit?
I appreciate people saying that, I really do. I recognise it myself – although I do wish I had noticed earlier. The nurse told me I’d done well to recognise my early warning signs, but in hindsight the really early signs were in the background for at least two or three weeks before, if not a little longer. They are things that are innocent and normal in isolation, but together clearly mean for me that something isn’t quite right and I guess I will just need to remember that for next time.
That’s one of the worst things about relapse. It just reminds me that there is always a next time. I will never be free from this. I can be free from it for many years, as I have been until now, but it will still be there.
How do I feel about relapsing again and being aware of this inevitability?
Honestly, I mostly just feel sad. I usually have a crash after mania, whether that is chemical, pure exhaustion, or whether it is for the reasons above I don’t know. This sadness will pass quickly, I’m sure of it. The disappointment in myself might last longer. The anxiety around becoming unwell again will be there for months.
I’m frustrated that not only will I have to pay extra attention to everything I do now, other people will be doing this too. I want to be able to say I’ve not slept well and it not raise alarm bells. I want to go shopping and not have it questioned. I want to have days where I wear pyjamas and sit under a duvet without doubting my motives. I want to behave like a normal human being and not second guess – or have other people second guess – everything I’m doing.
I also get frustrated with my frustrations. I feel ungrateful. I have never in my life been surrounded by so many incredible, wonderful and supportive people who love me and care for me. It’s not reasonable for me to expect them all to move on from this immediately, and it’s not reasonable for me to either. As much as it frustrates me, I do need to be aware of how I am doing in these fragile few months that follow.
I’ve rambled a bit. The point of this post was about how to cope with relapse. Despite ranting about my frustrations above, I know that I have and will come out of this with more skills and knowledge in my arsenal.
What I have ultimately learnt from this experience is that the way to truly cope with relapse is to forgive yourself. I’ve said previously that I look after myself pretty well generally. I really don’t feel like there was anything I could have done to prevent this. No matter how I live my life, this illness doesn’t go away; and actually, that’s not my fault.
I was kind to myself. I was vocal. I asked for what I needed, regardless of my anxieties. I averted a more significant crisis and I’m proud of that. It’s not enough to be kind to myself at the time though. I have to be kind to myself after.
There’s no use in beating myself up about this; I can’t turn back time and it is what it is. It’s not my fault and I did my best.
Those should be the only two things that matter.
Cara's Corner 
That was simply an amazing, heartfelt, honest and raw post. I respect that greatly.
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Thank you so much
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I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. It’s not noce to have to live with knowing that relapse is something that you need to be conscious of. You articulate so well how that sense of it always being there colours so many things that other people just don’t have to question. Keep looking after yourself
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Thanks Matthew. Thatās once of the most frustrating things but I know those questions will reduce with time.
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Glad to see you are strong and not shy to admit to yourself when it’s getting bad. I am amazed that you carry the load of a full life despite it surely not being easy. As for me, after last weeks anxiety attack that freaked out my family because it mimics a heart attack among other things, i refused to go to the hospital because (A) despite it being scary to go through, i know it for what it is and (B) i am ready to die if that is my fate. The fact that you hold down a life that includes all the normal things like work and relationships etc. shows me how how far i have fallen. I have made the decision to put my life on hold and stop all projects, put people at arms length and keep to myself. At least until this wave passes over me.
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Thank you. I hope you get to a place where you are able to have a bit of hope. It is difficult but it is also possible, I truly believe that.
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I think, it’s always easy to look back and think, “but there was this and I should have seen it”, but it’s okay that you didn’t! Don’t be too hard on yourself for it – if anything, it just gives you more incentive to keep an eye out for those smaller things in the future.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time lately, but you’re a rockstar, Cara. You really are.
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Thanks so much Ruth, I really appreciate it. Thatās the attitude Iām trying to take, itās just more knowledge in the bag for next time š
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I’m very much with you here. I’ve had a bit of a shift in my life and it’s triggered a big capitulation into mental illness which is so annoying. I don’t think the changing seasons help either. Just taking it a day at a time and working to stop compulsive behaviours before they start taking over my life again.
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Sorry to hear you can relate. Sometimes taking things one day at a time is the best way to move forward xx
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Thank you so much for sharing that. Sometimes relapses happen very unexpectedly and I think you are right, what matters is what you do when you know that it has hit. It is what it is like you said but how are you going to get out of that deep dark place. This was a great post and I enjoyed reading it and truly hope that you will do well in your recovery. You can do this! š
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Thank you so much! š
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I’ve always loved the saying Healing is not linear, for me that helps a lot because I often can feel really frustrated with the progression of my own mental health struggles and I find myself often feeling sad too when I feel like I’m not where I thought I’d be at this point.
Julia // The Sunday Mode
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Hi Julia,
I remember an occupational therapist once commenting that there were different stages of better.
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I have bipolar as well but my support group isn’t so forgiving. I don’t get to be nice to myself they say I’m a horrible person. That I can’t do anything right. I have to apologise over and over again. J feel like a burden and no matter what everything is my fault.
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They donāt sound very supportive at all! You are not a burden x
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Thanks Cara for another post to reflect on in my journal ā¤ļø.
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I try my best to stay on top of my mental health. I am far from perfect and some days are better then others. I remind myself often that mental health will always be with me.
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