I’ve had a bit of an up and down relationship with exercise throughout my life.
During my years of anorexia and OSFED I used exercise as a weapon against myself. I hated it with a passion but still forced myself to do it to the point of agony and absolute exhaustion.
I didn’t exercise for a long time during my second go at recovery. I was fearful of it and where it could take me, and it felt like a risky boundary to cross. I wanted to do it for my health, but at the same time it could have cost me that very thing. However, not long into my third relapse I joined a gym, and although I enjoyed working out at the beginning, it quickly became a chore again. I was going for hours, classes back to back, running, swimming. I was running every lunch break I had. I was exhausted.
I took a break after my last course of therapy for a while. When I started back at a new gym I had a different outlook. I didn’t want to be thin anymore, I wanted to be strong. I started doing weights for the first time alongside cardio and really enjoying exercise again. I ran The Great South Run to raise money for Beat, and the Colour Run in Brighton to raise money for Young Minds. I had a great routine going and was following a good program, until I got hit with an episode of depression lasting a few months. I could barely get out of bed, wash or get dressed. Exercising was out of the question.
I felt so disappointed in myself once I started to feel better. I’d lost my routine and my progress and felt like I was back to square one of my fitness journey. It was so hard dragging myself back, but I made it in the end.
Currently, I’m struggling with my motivation. I’m permanently exhausted and I have no routine since I’ve been back doing shift work, which has been a big change that honestly, I’ve not really tried hard enough to adapt to. I’m determined to start working on my health again – it’s important to me to be well and to be healthy, both physically and mentally, and exercise helps with both those things. I always, without question, feel better after I do, I just have to get myself there.
I’ve had a personal trainer in the past and I’m considering doing this again as a temporary measure. I’m not interested in losing weight, I just need somebody to be accountable to and who will stop me being lazy!
I’m determined to get myself back on track – I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I just need to remind myself all the positives of taking care of my body, especially after neglecting it for so many years.
It has forgiven me, and it deserves to be treated well.